Unstructured Bonding Approach: Understanding Its Nature

Unstructured Bonding Approach: Understanding Its Nature

Disorganized attachment style: A deep dive

So, you wanna know all about the disorganized attachment style? You've come to the right place, mate. Let's cut the crap and get to it.

What is disorganized attachment?

Disorganized attachment is one of those unique blueprints we pick up from childhood, guiding us on giving and receiving love in adulthood, usually through our interactions with our primary caregivers. See, these traits don't just disappear as we grow older, no siree. They stick around and show up in our romantic relationships like a bad hangover.

There are four main attachment styles:

1. Anxious: Struggling with feelings of unworthiness and insecurity
2. Avoidant: Keeping everyone at arm's length due to fear and mistrust
3. Disorganized: Walking the tightrope between anxious and avoidant, all while dealing with unpredictable behaviors
4. Secure: The lucky ones with a positive self-image, ready for romance

Now, let's talk disorganized attachment.

What does disorganized attachment feel like?

Disorganized is a mix of the anxious and avoidant styles, so folks with this attachment got both high anxiety and high avoidance going on in relationships. It's usually due to trauma or neglect in their upbringing, often stemming from a parent with their own unresolved traumas or losses. These experiences may have led them to display dissociative behaviors toward their infant, messing up their kid's attachment system right from the start.

Disorganized attachment can also be called "anxious-avoidant" or "fearful avoidance." I like to call 'em "Spice of Lifers." Here's why.

Spice of Lifers have a deep desire for love and affection while at the same time being terrified of it. They experience highs and lows at such intense levels that it's hard for them to know what "steady ground" feels like. They see their partner as a place of safety sometimes, only to suddenly view them as a villain the next. It's like their perspective changes from hot to cold, so they live with higher levels of contrast in their romantic experiences.

Now, my name "Spice of Lifers" comes from the fact that contrast in life forces us to expand and grow. I believe the pain many Spice of Lifers feel is evidence of an even greater calling for spiritual expansion. You can check out this short video to learn more.

When dating as a Spice of Lifer, you experience fast cycles of anxious yearning to be in a relationship and avoiding love at all costs. This rollercoaster is why Spice of Lifers tend to attract insecure partners who mirror their inner conflict. And let's face it, it's tough to find a stable relationship when you're all over the place.

So, what does the roller coaster of disorganized attachment look like in adults? Let me give you an example. Meet Sandy.

Sandy was single for a while, but then she met someone special. At first, they got along great, but unfortunately, it didn't last long. Despite wanting love and affection, Sandy struggled internally with getting closer to her partner in two ways: fear of being rejected and abandoned, and fear of being over-controlled and invaded.

As intimacy deepened, jealousy took over, and she started searching obsessively for signs of infidelity. She picks fights and tests the limits of her partner's affection, convinced the relationship will end. Her partner feels confused and frustrated by her "moodiness" and might start doing things she's accused them of – just to spite her.

Eventually, this leads to an ultimatum, and the relationship ends. Sandy feels like she messed up a good thing and wonders, "What have I done?" She texts the ex and reconnect, and it starts all over again.

Sandy's inner monologue goes something like this:"In getting to know someone, I fear they'll set high expectations and I'll fall short. I'm worried a partner won't give me enough space or want more than I can give them, so I'll lose interest and cause them pain. At the same time, I am afraid they'll leave or lose interest in me, so I'll get hurt. As we get closer, I always just mess things up."

Now, you might be wondering why those with disorganized attachment behave the way they do. Let's talk science. Disorganized attachment can relate to the shutting down of the dorsal vagal nerve, which is derived from polyvagal theory.

Normally, the dorsal vagus serves a very positive function, helping the body gently go back and forth between stimulated states and relaxed states. This is why "Sandy" all of a sudden can't remember why she liked her partner so much. The more intimate things get, the greater the inner conflict grows between feeling deeper love and deeper fear until finally, the feelings just switch off.

Her attachment system determines the relationship is a threat, so it shuts off to protect her. That's why disorganized partners abruptly end relationships only to come crawling back later. It's not a place of manipulation as much as it is working from a place of confusion.

So, how do you know if you have disorganized attachment? Here are a few dead giveaways:

• Fear of being rejected and hurt by loved ones
• Living with high emotional depths and feeling isolated and overwhelmed by them
• Critical thoughts and self-judgment that leave you feeling black and white about everything
• Feeling empty, not fitting in, and being told you're "too intense"

But don't just focus on the negatives. Here are some strengths of Spice of Lifers:

• Creativity appeals to you, even if you don't consider yourself "artistic"
• You understand poetry and connect with music
• You're empathic, able to read a room better than others
• You're persuasive, knowing how to get things done
• You show genuine and authentic compassion for others, making people gravitate towards you

Now you know what disorganized attachment is. Let's talk about disorganized attachment in relationships.

Within a relationship as a Spice of Lifer, you're probably capable of great emotional depths but feel overwhelmed by them. You don't want to burden others with your problems, but you internally know that you need to connect with someone. This leaves you feeling confused about what your true needs really are, especially in a relationship.

Meanwhile, you tend to see life through black and white thinking. You have a tendency to become a polarizing provocateur in a community or to judge others harshly. This mentality may make you feel left out in social or group situations. It's important to realize that your critical voice is most frequently used on yourself. This self-criticism makes it hard for you to see and accept the gray areas in others, as well. You might hold an unambiguous standard of perfection.

After some time, this excitement fades, and reality sets in. Eventually, the unavoidable, boring routines of life steal your partner's attention. This can be upsetting and make you start to question the foundations of the entire relationship.

As intimacy deepens, the less dazzling it becomes. You may start to doubt your partner's affections and begin searching for problems or signs of infidelity to justify this change in heart.

For example, you may sneak into their phone to read texts or obsessively check their social media. On the other hand, you may start to feel bored and second-guess why you like your partner. As you turn from hot to cold, your partner doesn't understand why you can't trust them. They might say things they don't mean, in anger, or accuse you of being "too emotional."

These negative reactions just confirm your suspicions that your partner is flawed. So, you break up – only to regret your decision later.

Within my online community, a few self-identified Spice of Lifers wrote some statements about how they feel in relationships:

• "I'm on both ends of the spectrum... terrified of abandonment, and terrified of being someone's everything and feeling trapped or controlled. It's a little bonkers!!"
• "Fear of being overrun, dominated, used, and guilted into the distance/closeness they want. I fear losing my sense of self."
• "I think my biggest fear is that I won't ever truly feel 'safe' in a relationship with a romantic partner, in spite of having established safety within myself."

If you resonate with these statements, let's keep learning about disorganized attachment and dating.

Disorganized attachment and dating: How you might be sabotaging your relationships

Now that you know what disorganized attachment looks like in relationships, let me explain what it's like dating. More specifically, what goes wrong.

Here are 10 ways that Spice of Lifers tend to sabotage their relationships.

1. Excessive contact followed by withdrawal
2. Keeping score
3. Acting hostile
4. Emotional manipulation
5. People pleasing
6. Saying you're not ready to commit, but acting like a committed partner
7. Saying you want a committed relationship, but not acting like it
8. Focusing on the flaws in your partner
9. Pining for the "one that got away"
10. Hyper or hypo sexuality

These are all ways in which you might be sabotaging your new relationship and dating life. Next, let's talk about how disorganized attachment affects relationships.

Disorganized attachment in marriage

In marriage (or long-term partnerships), Spice of Lifers will often continue down the emotional rollercoaster. Disorganized individuals may become polarized by the attachment style of their partners, especially over time. For example, if their long-time partner is more anxious, they could adopt more avoidant tendencies, and vice versa. This type of relationship often turns into a cyclical unhealthy situation, in what is called "the anxious-avoidant trap." Thankfully, you can escape this trap and overcome disorganized attachment.

Healing disorganized attachment

Can you heal from disorganized attachment? Absolutely! Check out what one of my students, Joe, and another student, Jitka, were able to achieve through my course.

To overcome disorganized attachment, a Spice of Lifer must work through the confusion they have about the conditions of love. This involves fostering self-awareness, emotional regulation, and establishing healthy boundaries. You must also learn to allow more spaciousness within yourself, making informed decisions from a place of security.

This process takes time and requires continuous practice but leads to a healthier version of yourself in relationships. So, what are you waiting for? Take my quiz and find out what your attachment style is, then find ways to grow and heal. Don't forget to ask your questions in the comments below.

1. Disorganized attachment, formed in childhood through interactions with primary caregivers, can persist into adulthood, significantly impacting romantic relationships.
2. The disorganized attachment style is a unique blend of the anxious and avoidant styles, characterized by high levels of anxiety and avoidance in relationships.
3. This attachment style often develops due to trauma or neglect during childhood, frequently resulting from a caregiver's unresolved traumas or losses.
4. Individuals with disorganized attachment may exhibit inconsistent and unpredictable behaviors in their relationships, known as "Spice of Lifers."
5. Spice of Lifers carry an intense desire for love and affection alongside fears of rejection, betrayal, and feeling overwhelmed by emotional depths.
6. Improper attachment systems in adults can lead to harsh self-judgment, feelings of isolation, emotional volatility, and difficult relationships.
7. Overcoming disorganized attachment requires self-awareness, emotional regulation, fostering healthy boundaries, and making informed decisions based on security and self-love.
8. The journey to healing allows individuals to grow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, improving their relationship experiences and overall lifestyle.

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